btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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