Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
