wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
