Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
