true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
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Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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