dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
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I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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