Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
