Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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