he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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