Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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