I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
