apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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