I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
