Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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