This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
