if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
