my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
