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Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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