I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
