God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
