Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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