i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
