You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
