your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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