hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
