I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
