I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My penis needs a shock collar
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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