I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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