Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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