it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
