What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
