If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
