Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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