everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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