i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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