I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
