Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
