a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
