You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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