Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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