Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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