what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
