I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
