I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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