Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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