I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
