There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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