Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
