the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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