And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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