4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
