I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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