took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
