Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Are we still banned from the library?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
